the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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