i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
