You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
