There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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