I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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