I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
