talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
