Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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