Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
