Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
