When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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