I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
