Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
