My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
