i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
