i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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