Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
