Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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