ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
