I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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