So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My first STD was from a foam party
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Randomize
