I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
The best revenge is premature balding
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
