I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
