my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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