I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I've blown a few things in my day
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
