Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
