I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
