I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
