I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
