Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
