just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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