Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
