Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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