so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
