Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
