Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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