i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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