Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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