I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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