I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
