and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just blew my weed a kiss
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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