I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Less talking, more tequila
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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