i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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