I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
