is your mom at the bar?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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