I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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