I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
