I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
