My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
