Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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