I think my fart just growled at me.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
