all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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