Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We had to coat check the pizza.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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