I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
