Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
