Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
