Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
