Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Need sex. Gaining weight.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
