Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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