i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
