Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize