just tell him i said nine months
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
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i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
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At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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