I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
