never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
