im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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