I think my fart just growled at me.
are you so shy because you have an std?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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