i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
