he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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